Hold my purse Snapper Hunter, yes dear

Its 6:30 on Tuesday, 1 ½ hours to go until work is over, then on to eastway lanes for some cheap bowling and beer. Then all the sudden SH's(Snapper Hunter) phone rings, and it’s not a family member which is very strange. A little background SH calls girls all day long everyday if they haven’t blocked his number out completely he’ll leave a message. They of course never call back, its not that SH is a bad guy. I think the girls he tries to call are out of his league, you know they’re not blind and they have all their teeth. But this day was different one of his stalking victims called him back, we’ll call her sunshine.

When SH saw the number his eyes lit up just like a fat kid at a buffet. He was prancing around the store yelling, “hell yeah sunshine is coming” Not even a kick to the nuts from Adam Vinatieri would have wiped the smile off his face. But what SH didn’t know is that although sunshine was born after the movie Top Gun was released she was wise beyond her years. She knew that any bastard desperate enough to call her 46 times in a one month period with no response would do anything for her. So she took advantage of that. It started with waiting until 8:10 to call him and make him come and pick her up, thus making him late for bowling. Then she shows up on the date with $1 and some change, she knew her bitch would take care of everything. The bitch or SH as you know him, paid her cover into the alley but then she decided she didn’t want to bowl. Later she changed her mind so he had to go and buy her some socks to wear. She bowled about 1 ½ games then she decided she was hungry but the kitchen closed. So she turned to her bitch and said if I order something from Applebee’s will you buy and go get it. Being the desperate guy that he is, he replies with “sure”. She ordered a $10 salad which SH had to walk over and get thus missing another game of bowling. It was hilarious for me to watch the mighty Snapper hunter belittled by a 20 year old skank.

Was it worth it you ask, well when she wasn’t bossing SH around she spent most of her time talking to Sealer and yours truly. Immediately after bowling at 11:00 SH took her home and went in for the kiss but settled for a peck on the check. The worst part about it is if she ever answers his call again I’m sure he’ll come a running. Maybe she’ll just have him go to the store and pick up some tampons for her. Or maybe she have him carry her purse around the mall while she shops. My advice to you Snapper Hunter, don’t be such a pussy.


Sincerely,
Dirt Ball

The Marlboro Man

You smoke now, that is so fucking weak.
Does it just suck being you?

"Just another night"

Saturday was a great day, sun was shinning, birds were singing, and Dirt Ball was all pumped up for his date with Diamond. (not her Christian name) He did give me the heads up by saying that it was probably going to be a group thing with her and some of her friends, but I knew if he went solo we would have a great story today. So here it is.

DB met Diamond at Bennigans then her friends started showing up 1 at a time every 5 minutes until Candy (not her Christian name either) showed up. (Little back story, Candy and Diamond have hooked up before and are good friends) So Candy and Diamond start exchanging eyes from across the table and DB picks up on this so he suggests a change of scenery and they hit up another bar. DB realizes that if he is going to turn this chick back to loving the cock, he is going to have to get her very very drunk. This is pretty much standard operating procedure for any situation that involves girls out of DB’s league anyway. So DB’s plan is going swimmingly and he has Diamond hammered by 10 o’clock so much so that he is trying to cut her off. 10:30 rolls around and Diamond needs a ride home, I wonder who gave her one? So they pull up to her house and DB gets invited in, She gives him the same old story DB has heard a thousand times, “I really like you, so I don’t think we should hook up tonight.” DB is heartbroken and gives up, gets in his car and drives back to the bar where he finds Candy waiting patiently for his return. DB plays it off, and starts pounding beers trying to numb the pain from the blue balls Diamond had just given him.

Last call comes around Candy lays claim to the seat right next to DB and asks him if he would take her home for a few beers and some conversation. DB knows what she wants and actually hesitated which is really out of character for him, but says “Candy you are going to get me in trouble.” Candy replies “no, we’ll just have a few beers and talk.” Well you aren’t going to have to ask DB a third time. It was all over except the confrontation on the Springer show.

After the deed was done 4 times, (I guess DB can perform better when he isn’t with a
total skank like TPH.) Candy says “I think I am going to have to tell Diamond about this.” DB fires back with “I don’t think that is such a good idea.” “But I’m not a good liar.” says Candy. So DB justifies with “you don’t have to lie, just don’t tell her.”

This goes on and on throughout the morning and ends with her saying she is probably going to tell Diamond the truth. DB is heart broken by this cause Diamond is really hot. So all day at work today Db has been throwing out offers to take Diamond out, tonight, Wednesday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, but Diamond has shut down every one.

I wonder why?

"You know what Blaine? You're a real bitch!"

Who says shit like that to a girl? I'll tell you who. Me. I said that exact title to this girl on the left while I was mind blasted drunk last summer in Fort Collins. It has never bothered me till today, mainly cause I couldn't really remember what she looked like. Today though, I can sadly admit I regret that decision.

Description Needed.

Hey Jeff,

Dirt Ball is claiming that the girl he did wasn’t big at all, and your description of big is probably saying that she was tall. We all need a true description pronto.

APB

I am putting out an all points bulletin for The Pirate Hooker. She has not been heard from in some time and I am worried. She was last seen at a rugby game in New Zealand where some other hooker tried to out skank her by streaking across the field in a bikini. If I know The Pirate Hooker as well as I think I do she would not stand for this, she would not let some South Pacific hooker out match her in any event, especially her best event skankery. Not sure what she came up with to out skank her but I have a feeling that it may have landed her in jail. If any one has any info on this subject matter please fill us in.

"Typical"

I guess I would have to call last night a typical night, Dirt Ball and I hit up 50/50 night at suburban lanes. You know 50 cent bowling 50 cent drinks. No big deal! What wasn’t typical though was the ass kicking I handed DB in 6 of our 9 games.

In other news,


On that note DB took some skank home last night from the Crow Bar, her weight and status cannot be confirmed at this time. All I really know about the story is that db and another guy we met last night named Jeff, paper-rock-scissored for a hot girl. Dirt ball won with paper, but the hot girl wasn’t into him so Jeff had to be the bigger man and take her home, and DB was left with, in his words “the less attractive friend.” The thing is those are always his words. It’s always “but she had a killer body”, or “I was mind blasted Drunk.” Well this time I’m not buying it.

Oh yeah, I'm suppose to let everyone know that DB was hate fucking that skank from augustana. Apparently he was choking her while he did her, at her own request, I guess he is pretty proud of that. He also wanted everbody to know while he was trying to put her head through wall he was not only choking her but when she started gasping for air he would switch and start pulling her hair. All at her request!

Dickhead???

I believe I have referred to her as the dumbest girl I have ever met in a previous post. I’m happy to report name still holds true for the young girl from Minnesota. The latest story involves her making a couple of trips to SF to see me. In the first trip she met me at a bar 2 blocks away from the house I was staying at, we were together at the Bar no longer then 3 minutes before I was walking her home. The Next morning consisted of a very quite trip to drop her off at her car, and a thoughtful “Well, see you later.” as she got out of the Vehicle.

On her next visit, she showed up at the Crow Bar to find myself and the Dirt Ball very drunk. She explained to me how she wouldn’t sleep with me unless we were dating. (I think she was jealous about the blind date I went on, because she knows better to use that tone of voice with me) I tell her there is no way I’m going to date her. Then dirt Ball wants to try his luck with her and offers to take her out on a date. She resisted, but I believe if he gives her another try he will be victorious. So then I walk her about a Mile to my new place and end up doing her the next morning even though we still aren’t dating.

This should be the end of any sort of conversation with her but as it turns out it’s not. Last Thursday The Dirt Ball and I spent the evening at our local bowling alley throwing the Rock, after which we met up with some skanks back at the Crow bar. One of the Skanks who we now refer to as The Hunchback is the grenade I have to jump on so DB can get on the Semi Attractive Skank. Well the Old Hunchback thinks I have a girlfriend, and to prove to her that I don’t I decide to call up old reliable and tell her that I am breaking up with her. I guess she didn’t like that cause she insisted on calling me a dickhead and an Asshole repeatedly. Turns out Hunchback doesn’t find mind fucking some easy slut an attractive quality in a guy. Weird!

Later that night I receive a voicemail from old Reliable calling me a dickhead some more and then closing with if you decide you want to quit being a dickhead, give me a call. Guess she is gona have to wait for that call. Haha

It's official

It is 10:53am central time and “RT” is still sleeping beside his new girlfriend, i.e. “the blind date” who’s no “toothpick blonde”. I know RT said she is a little bigger and a smoker and kind of annoying but lucky for her, he’ll fuck anything. I wouldn’t sleep on my stomach around him.

I guess I should be happy our little Ry-guy found love maybe now he won’t bring cantaloupes with holes in them to work. When I called him this morning I asked what he was doing. He said, "I’m just lying in bed watching her sleep". Listing to Firehouse, "Love of a Lifetime" on repeat. I thought that was strange but he said you’ll understand if you ever find love. This is a huge moment in a young man’s life so if you get the chance give him a call or post a comment congratulating him on finding his special someone.

Sincerely,

Dirt Ball

"I had fun tonight", and " We should do something llke this again sometime" You know shit like that

The original description of her was that she is hot but not very smart, and kind of high maintenance, but she will definitely do you. So I’m real pumped to meet this girl because she sounds like she is right in my wheelhouse. I suggest that Yetti’s wife take a few photos of me to seal the deal on the other end. Sure enough it worked, (now I have thought long and hard about what to call this girl on this here blog page and decided I would keep it nice and call her Blind Date Contestant # 1), and BDC called me the day she seen the photos. We talked a bit and set up a date for Thursday night, even though she told me that she had Thursday off and that Wednesday night would work better for her. Then I got to thinking and figured it would be much easier for me to seal the deal if I didn’t have to convince her to spend the night in the face of going to work the next morning. So I took quick action and called her Wednesday afternoon and sounded very excited about going out with her and told her that I would love to go out tonight if she was still available, as I expected she loved the idea and was very willing. Then I got the mother Blow, she tries to give me a description of herself so I know what to look for when I meet her at the bar. And here it is word for word

“I’m not some toothpick blonde, I’m by no means fat, but just to let you know I’m not a toothpick blonde.”

So this scares me, anytime a girl is describing herself and the word fat is mentioned I get nervous, even if she is saying she isn’t fat. I don’t trust’em, never have never will. If you’re not fat, you won’t have to tell me.

I’m nervous about what she looks like but who am I kidding I’ll do anything, I’m on my way to meet her.

I arrive ten minutes late like any self respecting man should to a blind date. My philosophy is to let her think you aren’t gona show and then when you do she will be so relieved that she won’t complain that you are ugly have no money, no prospects, no morals, and are half drunk.

Ok so that being said, I walk into the bar and sure enough she is there drinking a Margarita, just like she said she would be, and sure enough she isn’t a toothpick blonde. She is about 5’6’’ maybe 125, can’t really tell at this point though cause she is sitting down, I introduce myself and give her a big hug (She loves me at this point), I order a tall beer and keep good conversation going for a good hour, she shows me 2 of her three tattoos and tells me she won’t show me the third, Yet. (Right now she is trying to play hard to get, but it is very obvious that she is going to sleep with me). We decide to leave and this is the first time I get a look at her figure. (it’s alright, not spectacular) she is wearing a little number, that to me, looks like a maternity top, but her pants are cute on her so on outfit alone I would give her a 7 (maternity top was very low cut).

WE are outside the Bar and she tells me she doesn’t feel like the bar scene anymore tonight ( this was the deal breaker for me having any sort of fun on this date) and that she wants to go to her favorite place in Sioux Falls, Falls Park. (Great!!) We head to the park and I’m trying to stay as enthusiastic as possible but it’s my only time to drink all day and I’m going to a park, what the fuck was she thinking, (I was thinking that she isn’t hot enough for me to be hanging out in a park at 11pm on a Wednesday night) We are hanging out at the falls talking and shit and we stumble upon a lost or forgotten purse, we decide to try and find the rightful owner, doesn’t happen (still have the purse).oh yeah we made out on a bridge for a little while, no big deal. We leave the Park and she is talking about me taking her to her car, I use this time to explain to her that I don’t get to go out to many nights of the week and would really love to hang out some more (she is now picturing me naked) so we head to a billiard hall where I can get a couple drinks. We play some pool (I worked her, she loved my skills again no big deal) but at this point I’m getting famished cause I skipped my dinner which I thought about suggesting she try sometime, but didn’t. So I’m giving her a ride to her car and am giving her the usual, “I had fun tonight” and “We should do something like this again sometime” you know shit like that. We get to her car and there is a little making out going on, and I decide I might as well invite her to my house to watch Caddyshack (she’s never seen it). She shuts me down, but says I’ll be a lot luckier on a second date. Little does she know that there isn’t going to be a second date. I should have told her that, she would be a lot luckier on getting a second date if she put out on the first.